1
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,400
Fran! Fran!

2
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,200
Bernard! Bernard!

3
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:42,200
Wait till you hear this.

4
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:46,800
No, me first. I can't
hold onto this one. My story first.

5
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,640
No, I'm not backing down!

6
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:49,640
Well, neither am I.

7
00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:53,800
Well, you know what that means.

8
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,800
Count to three.

9
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,800
One, two, three.

10
00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,760
Aaah!

11
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,160
Say peanuts.

12
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:02,160
Peanuts.

13
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:08,640
I want Manny in on this.

14
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:08,640
No, no, no. He stayed up all night
with his birthday present.

15
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:14,040
The complete set of the Sweeney
and an espresso machine.

16
00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:18,280
RINGS

17
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,160
What? Do me a favour.

18
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:24,720
It's a bookshop.
Course we've got Jane Austen.

19
00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:33,960
Right.

20
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:39,360
OK, my story.

21
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:39,360
All right.

22
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:39,360
Imagine... Imagine you're a woman.

23
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:43,160
OK.

24
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,160
And now imagine...

25
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,160
Wait. I'm still...

26
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:50,840
OK?

27
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,480
Now imagine you have a boyfriend.

28
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,680
(GIGGLES)

29
00:01:56,920 --> 00:02:02,600
OK, and now imagine you see
that boyfriend with another woman.

30
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:04,960
(WHIMPERS)

31
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,880
OK, my story!

32
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:09,960
This is Peter.

33
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:14,160
He wouldn't do that to me... to you.

34
00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:14,160
He's scum.

35
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,760
Today I was getting into my car...

36
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,520
I just feel so...

37
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,520
Aaaah.

38
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,520
Now, my story.

39
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:37,280
You know Gerald and Sarah?

40
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,280
Gerald... your friend.

41
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:42,440
Friend! When I first came to London
he put me up, he lent me money,

42
00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:45,320
he helped me find a job,
find this place.

43
00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:48,240
I was a very good friend to him.

44
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:53,640
Even though I fancied his girlfriend
I did not make a pass at her.

45
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,160
Well, once,.. twice,.. a few times.

46
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,480
But not after I realised
how angry it made him.

47
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:02,680
Well, once but...

48
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,680
(BORED) Get on with it.

49
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:07,600
They invited me to a party and it was
fun. Woke up with a little hangover.

50
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,360
AAAH!

51
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,280
Well, a big hangover.

52
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,920
So I went to get some fizzy good.

53
00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:19,800
Some what?

54
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:19,800
You know, fizzy good make feel nice.

55
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,800
Oh, Alka Seltzer.

56
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,600
(MUTTERS) Soluble.

57
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,720
Ugh!

58
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,280
andlt; Fizzy good feel nice.

59
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,360
Fizzy good feel nice.

60
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:36,400
Gerald! Sarah!
Thanks for the dinner party.

61
00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:41,600
Completely blanked me.

62
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,600
Maybe they didn't see you.

63
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:47,200
Could they have been distracted?

64
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:47,200
How?

65
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,200
Was somebody firing a gun?

66
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,160
Let's see. Was someone firing a gun?

67
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,680
Was someone fir.. I don't think so(!)

68
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:58,920
Manny, you look like
you could use some sleep.

69
00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,920
Yeah, in a little bit.

70
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,800
This bloke behind me, behind me.

71
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,720
Don't look!

72
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:08,400
I reckon he's got a shooter.

73
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:08,400
(He's 100 years old!)

74
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:12,760
You're wired
from all-night coffee and cops.

75
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,040
So what? So they blanked you.

76
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:18,080
So what! So what! They blanked me!

77
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:22,600
That's an awesomely powerful
thing to do in civilised society.

78
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:27,120
It's like when the Mafia send
each other fish through the post.

79
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,760
You must have done something awful.

80
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:30,760
Do you think?

81
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:35,680
Oh, you didn't do that thing?
Your Belly Savalas thing?

82
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:38,800
No, I didn't do Belly Savalas.

83
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:44,920
So, Bernard, being blanked
made you feel bad, huh?

84
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,800
Yeah, terrible.

85
00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:48,720
Hm.

86
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,720
Manny, get some sleep.

87
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:58,720
Something awful. God, what did I do?
Think! Think!

88
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,800
(SLAMS BOOK)

89
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,800
Get down!

90
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,240
Thank you. Enjoy.

91
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,160
It's dreadful but it's quite short.

92
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:17,440
Manny, come over here.

93
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,800
I'll give you a case.
Figure out what I did last night.

94
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:27,560
Ooh!

95
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:30,400
What?

96
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,760
Sat on myself.

97
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:46,760
Let's start by reconstructing
the evening. Who else was there?

98
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,760
Well, Gerald and Sarah, obviously.

99
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:55,000
What's their D-40?

100
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:59,720
What do they do?

101
00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,720
Gerald's a food writer.

102
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:03,480
He had a big hit
with Basic Meals For The Ultra-Rich.

103
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:08,000
Sarah's an interior designer
on the programme Pet Surprise.

104
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,040
What's that?

105
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:12,600
It's where they take the dog out,

106
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,920
he thinks it's normal walk
but when they come back...

107
00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:20,640
the kennel has a patio
and French doors.

108
00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:23,960
Yeah. They take the blindfold off...

109
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,200
And he's like "Oh, my God!"

110
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:31,880
And some people
who talked about salad for hours.

111
00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:34,640
So, how much had you had to drink...

112
00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:37,160
before you turned up?

113
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,120
Oh, you assumed I'd been drinking?

114
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,120
How much?

115
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:46,080
(STAMMERS)

116
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,080
Erm, a couple of bottles.

117
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:49,920
So you were in a bit of a state?

118
00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:49,920
I was fine.

119
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:51,880
No, come on! Think!

120
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,240
DOORBELL

121
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:57,000
(DRUNK) Hiya.

122
00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:00,000
Is this yours?

123
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,000
Erm, yes.

124
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:04,080
Misunderstanding. Not her fault.
She's young.

125
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,400
Try and keep it indoors.

126
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,960
You brought police to their house.

127
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,000
There's more.

128
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,360
Oh, Bernard, look at you.

129
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:18,920
I'm a happy-go-lucky scamp.

130
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:23,160
Exquisite gifts as always(!)

131
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,480
You're very early.

132
00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:28,280
Oh, you remember Jimbo, don't you?

133
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:29,960
What do you do?

134
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:35,840
No, he's our son.

135
00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:35,840
Oh, thank God.
I thought you had a disease.

136
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:37,920
It's a child.

137
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,640
andlt; Gerald, can you help me, please?

138
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:46,080
Oh, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

139
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,560
Come here, we'll do the thing.

140
00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:51,320
Here.

141
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,560
There we go. Take it.

142
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,800
Sh, take it.

143
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,600
Actually, Jim, can I have that back?

144
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,520
Do you know about the old country?

145
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,640
The songs. Oh, they'd melt your face.

146
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:13,560

I'm a prostitute from Newry

147
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:19,000
His child's involved.
He's done something and blamed me.

148
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:22,600
It's always the children,
isn't it, Bernard?

149
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,160
Manny, if you have one more coffee...

150
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,120
HELP! HELP! HELP! andgt;

151
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,720
I got it!

152
00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:36,360
HELP! HELP!

153
00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,360
Police! Stop!

154
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,880


155
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,400
MUSIC STOPS

156
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,000
MUSIC CONTINUES

157
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,840
All right?

158
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:39,200
..and all my keys.
My house keys, they were in it.

159
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,600
How am I gonna get into my house?

160
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,720
It was a plain-clothes policeman?

161
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,720
Yes.

162
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,720
Oh, Officer.

163
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,280
Bernard.

164
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:11,600
Bernard!

165
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:15,880
No questions,
but can you do my shoelace?

166
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,760
No can do, neck-face.

167
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:28,280
What happened to you?

168
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:28,280
No, no, you first.

169
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:28,280
Are you the next Bond villain?

170
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:33,800
You should have "Dorset - 5 miles"
written on you! Tell me.

171
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,240
Don't mind this, it's a dull story.

172
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:40,360
You first. Come on.

173
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,360
Tell me.

174
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,360
No.

175
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,000
Ah!

176
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,400
Ow.

177
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,400
Ah. Aaah!

178
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,400
(LAUGHS) No, no, no.

179
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,440
Aaah! OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

180
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:58,440
You remember I told you
how I saw Peter with that girl?

181
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,720
Mm-hm.

182
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,720
I couldn't get it out of my head

183
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:06,400
so I went down the beauty parlour
and got myself done.

184
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:11,920
'And the next thing,
who walks by the window but Peter.'

185
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:17,000
Then I remembered about the blank

186
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,400
and I knew
I might not get a second chance.

187
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:35,920
So, as usual, you dealt with this
in a mature, rea...

188
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:35,920
Shut up. Anyway...

189
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,160
Fran?

190
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,560
Fran?!

191
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:46,520
Fran. Fran!

192
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,840
TYRES SCREECH THEN BUMP

193
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:56,200
So that's how you got the...

194
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:56,200
No, that's not how I got this.
The way I got this...

195
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:59,440
It's embarrassing.

196
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,960
Well, I was...

197
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,720
(We're closed.)

198
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,720
We're closed!

199
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,760
(Hello. Hello. Hello.)

200
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:15,280
(HESITANTLY)
Yeah, hello,... Razors,...

201
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,840
you just better watch it...

202
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:23,680
or I'll be down your manor
with all the other policemen...

203
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,920
..and we'll arrest your arse.

204
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:30,360
Goodbye.

205
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:35,120
I thought you might want coffee.

206
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,120
No, no. I've gotta go.

207
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,120
No, no. Wait a sec.

208
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:40,120
I've got a favour to ask. We've got
someone who isn't turning over.

209
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:45,600
Could you sit in on the interview?

210
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:45,600
Eh?

211
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,600
What's with the face fungus?

212
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,240
Undercover... Undercover work.

213
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:52,120
Er... gotta blend in
with a heavy-metal group...

214
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,280
who stole some furniture.

215
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,640
Bastards.

216
00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:02,400
So, can you help us out?

217
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,400
No, I can't.
They need me on the job.

218
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,880
Who's your guvnor? I'll ask him.

219
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,840
Whooaa-at the hell!

220
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,920
Oh, good lad. Grab your coffee.

221
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,560
(GULPS COFFEE)

222
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:18,040
OK, so far
we've been going at him hard.

223
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:23,280
It might be time that he found
a sympathetic ear. Know what I mean?

224
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:26,640
So, I'm nasty, you're nice. OK?

225
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:30,760
(MUMBLES)

226
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,760
You're not so bad.

227
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,520
In the interview.

228
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,880
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

229
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:38,120
I was, erm, making a police joke.

230
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,040
Yeah, right. It's Barry, by the way.

231
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:41,800
Carter.

232
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,880
Carter? Lovely.

233
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,400
We'll let him sweat it out
for a few minutes.

234
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,160
Finish your coffee.

235
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:51,840
It's not bad, is it?

236
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,840
(REPLIES INTO COFFEE)

237
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,960
Bernard, come on!

238
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:58,840
Yaah!

239
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,840
CORK POPS

240
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,840
So, what happened?

241
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:06,400
After you left, I remembered
something about the party.

242
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,120
I did do Belly Savalas.

243
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:12,760
Durby-durby-durby-durby-durby.

244
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:15,600
What? I can't hear you Belly Savalas.

245
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,760
"Who loves you, baby?"

246
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:26,600
But it wasn't Belly Savalas
that upset them.

247
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:30,680
It was something else.
Something much worse.

248
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:34,960
Oh, you didn't do Cobumbo, did you?

249
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,880
I didn't have any cigars.

250
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:48,280
All right, so you were knocked down.

251
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,280
I had to go to hospital for checks

252
00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,960
and Peter insisted on coming.

253
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:56,360
I was blanking him in the ambulance

254
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,360
How do you blank in an ambulance?

255
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,040
Fran, keep your eyes fixed on mine.

256
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,800
Come on, keep your eyes on mine.

257
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,960
Keep your eyes on mine!

258
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:07,960
CRACKING

259
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:09,640
Hurry!

260
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:14,400
Did you tell him
why you were blanking him?

261
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,400
I certainly did.

262
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:19,480
I spent some time explaining in very
clear terms why he was a scumbag

263
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,640
and the fancy lady he was with...
was a slut.

264
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,760
It was his sister.

265
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,160
He was comforting her.

266
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,800
She's lost her job.

267
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:39,800
Ah, he won't be seeing you again.

268
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:39,800
He says he wants to see
other - less mad - women.

269
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:44,680
Now you. I want to know
how you became the little teapot.

270
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,680
I won't tell it twice. Where's Manny?

271
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:54,760
Remember, I'm nasty, you're nice.

272
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,120
Noggsy,...

273
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,880
you miss me(?)

274
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,880
Yeah, I was just thinking
"When's Norris back?"

275
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:09,360
OI! Smart lip doesn't work with me.
I don't react well to it.

276
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:15,400
You better give me something solid
or I'll feed you to the sharks.

277
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,600
(CLEARS THROAT)

278
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,920
You have beautiful eyes.

279
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:34,840
You're going away!
This is the end of the line!

280
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:40,720
Would it be naughty if I phoned up
and got us all some crispy duck?

281
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,720
Sorry?

282
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:46,280
Speak up
or we'll be talking to your missus!

283
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:49,440
Ho-ho.
How do you like that, family man?!

284
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:55,040
Hey, when all this has blown over,
let's go and see Les Miserables.

285
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:58,320
Ever been to the zoo? It's great.

286
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,160
What's, erm,... What's going on?

287
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:11,440
I don't know what you're doing
but it's working.

288
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,000
You take over. Offer him a deal.

289
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,320
What sort of deal?

290
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,920
You call it but don't give too much.

291
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,360
He's looking at two years - minimum.

292
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:24,960
I'll be back in ten.

293
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,960
Huh?!

294
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:28,880
Ten minutes.

295
00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:28,880
(SIGHS)

296
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,920
I'm locking the door, Noggsy.

297
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:41,280
It doesn't open
until you give my partner summat.

298
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:49,080
DOOR IS LOCKED

299
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,400
Yeah, that's definitely locked.

300
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:09,440
I'm not a policeman.

301
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:09,440
They think I am
but I've just had too much coffee.

302
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,840
What you talking about?!

303
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,840
What'll I do?!

304
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:15,640
I'll talk to Norris.
I ain't talking to you.

305
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:17,880
(BOTH STRAIN)

306
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,800
It's a boy.

307
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,720
Back to the story.

308
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:28,000
I knew I'd done something heinous
so I went to see them.

309
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,720
What do you want?

310
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,720
I wanna say I'm sorry.

311
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,960
Oh, well.

312
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,960
Please accept my gifts.

313
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,760
Maybe then
we could clear the decks somehow

314
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:45,360
and you could actually tell me
what it was that I actually...

315
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:48,880
did.

316
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,880
AAAAH!

317
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:56,560
You did it. I don't know
how you did it but... you did it.

318
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,720
You know, Barry, I'm just a cop...

319
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:08,720
Just one copper
trying to make a difference.

320
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,280
Fell off my chair to some extent.

321
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:27,120
You know, Barry, I've been doing
this job for 20 min... years,

322
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:29,280
since I was... 15,

323
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,360
and it doesn't get any easier.

324
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:37,880
That's why I've made my decision
to retire. Noggsy was my last case.

325
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:42,040
I've had 100% success rate,
but I'm getting old.

326
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:46,640
It's time for this old warhorse
to be put out to pasture.

327
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,640
That's a shame.

328
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,320
I've been on the job 20 years too

329
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:53,400
and you are the best bloody copper
I've ever worked with.

330
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:59,760
It's been a privilege.

331
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,760
OK, fair enough.

332
00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,760
Yeah.

333
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,280
Oh, God.

334
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:08,880
andlt; Anyway, where was I?

335
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,880
You went to ask them what you did.

336
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:12,760
You mean you don't remember?!

337
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:12,760
Not as such, no.

338
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:18,560
You don't remember asking for the
hundredth time where the toilet was.

339
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:23,920
You went to the toilet
and were gone a long time.

340
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:26,600
Get him out. Get him out.

341
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,760
I will.

342
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:30,760
Out. Get him out. Get him out now.

343
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:30,760
I will. I'm sorry.

344
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,760
Gerald, can I ask you a question?

345
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:39,280
You know the thing that cleans
these things? The thing-cleaner!

346
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,720
Why is that in your bathroom?

347
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:45,160
I'm not Coco Chanel,
but that's a bit weird.

348
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:48,160
Bernard, why don't I call you a cab?

349
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,760
Don't wanna cab, it's only half one.

350
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,760
Why's there a toaster
in your bathroom?

351
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,000
There's not.

352
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,920
You should put a lock on the door

353
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:02,920
because I was on the toilet
and little Jimmy comes in.

354
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:08,840
He's drinking milk from the fridge
and that's wrong. It's unhygienic.

355
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:14,360
What was going through your brain
when you thought

356
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,640
"I'll buy a wicker toilet."?

357
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:19,160
(SCREAMS) andgt;

358
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,520
I thought I did something bad.

359
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:29,560
I use you wicker chair as a toilet.
It's a faux pas...

360
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:29,560
Faux pas?!

361
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:29,560
I thought I'd drunk all the booze.

362
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:33,120
You did drink all the booze.

363
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:33,120
Look at Jimmy.

364
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,160
What?! What?!

365
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:39,400
He's surprised.
All children look surprised.

366
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,640
Everything's new to them.

367
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:46,160
Have I told you
about the way that he... he smokes.

368
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,920
He does not smoke.

369
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,920
He's up to something.

370
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:53,880
I've never said this before
because I was being nice

371
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:57,760
but your son has the cold, dead eyes
of a killer.

372
00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:07,360
I come to your house,
brought a bottle of wine,...

373
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:07,360
You brought a policewoman.

374
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:07,360
Either way, I made an effort.

375
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:12,120
And, you know, I was slightly
indiscreet and I'm sorry! I am!

376
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,560
But you,... you blanked me, so...

377
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:22,880
So what?

378
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:22,880
I think I deserve an apology.

379
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:22,880
BOTH: Out!

380
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:28,040
I came all the way here to apologise.
I don't even have the taxi fare back.

381
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:30,760
I behaved with dignity and honour.

382
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:35,520
You wouldn't understand
because I'm talking about dignity!

383
00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:41,040
Hence.

384
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:46,320
Why were you embarrassed to tell me?

385
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:46,320
Oh, well, I fell.
It was so undashing.

386
00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:52,200
And going to the toilet through
a chair - we've all been there(!)

387
00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:00,560
Oh, I've had some day.

388
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:05,800
What happened?

389
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:05,800
It started off...

390
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,520
(HIGH PITCHED) That was a bad one.

391
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:16,760
Intelfax Subtitles
STUART CAMPBELL